I’m an old debate team member. I’ve won medals and trophies for my ability to use words, manipulate them and to take the definitions that other people assume and define them to suit my own purposes. In debate this is seen and an amazing mental feat, especially when done on the fly. In real life, it’s less accepted and often met with frustration. But I challenge you, stop and think about what I’m about to put forth and tell me, how much of the frustration is rooted in the fact that the ideas put forth are the truth on some level?
can’t
can·not
ˈka-(ˌ)nät; kə-ˈnät, ka-ˈ
Definition of CANNOT
Fascinating definition “to be unable to do otherwise then”. I originally wanted to say that we use “Can’t” too often, now I think we not only over use it, we also use it improperly (sort of like the word “Decimate” but I digress). Well, rather than go on a long dialog about the misuse of the word, I’ll write my original post instead.
Regardless of the actual definition of the word “Can’t” we use it to mean “I am unable to …”
- I can’t come to your party.
- I can’t select healthy meals
- I can’t exercise
- I can’t lift weights
- I can’t I can’t I can’t…
I put forth the following proposition:
“I can’t” doesn’t mean “I am unable to” but rather, “I’m afraid”, “I lack confidence”, “I don’t know how to” or even “I don’t want to”
Stick with me for the next few minutes and see my justification then ask yourself how many times you could substitute one of the above phrases for “I Can’t”
Can’t means “Won’t” and “Won’t” means push ups!
When “Can’t” means “I don’t want to”
Picture this, you’ve had a long day. Boss was a jerk. Significant other had a bad day. Kids are testing your last nerve. The car needs an oil change. Money is tight. Your project at work is coming up on deadline and it’s no where near ready. In laws will be here next week and the house is a MESS…. oh and did I mention that you haven’t gotten your workout in yet? “I can’t. I don’t have the time”
No, you don’t want to. You’re stressed, tired and you just want to rest. You CAN do your work out. YOU JUST DON’T WANT TO. I don’t say this to judge. Hell, some days I feel the same. Yesterday was one of those days, as a matter of fact. All I am asking you to do is to be honest with yourself. The next time you are in a situation like this, say – honestly – I don’t want to do my workout. Then ask yourself “What would I do if my child, my employee, my co-worker or my significant other came to me and said ‘I just don’t want to do this’” I can almost guarantee you that if it was something that needed to be done, for the benefit of the team or family you’d look at them, tell em to suck it up and get it done. If you don’t want to do it, don’t say “I can’t” admit that you just don’t want to. You *are* capable, you just don’t want to put forth the effort.
When “Can’t” means “I don’t know how to”
Here’s the situation: Your trainer has told you “We’re going to do this really awesome move! We’re going to do Bosu Ball Lateral Lunges!” You’ve never done these crazy things that sound like a painful torture technique and you haven’t the faintest clue what a “Bosu” ball is! So how do you reply? “I can’t do those.” Really? You can’t? You don’t know what they are! How do you know if you can or not if you don’t know what the heck they are?
What you SHOULD be saying is “Can you demonstrate that for me?” or “Wait. Want? I’m not sure I know what those things are!” or even better “You do 10 of them first and show me and I’ll do them next.” Think about it. In this situation “can’t” is actually preventing you from finding out what you are capable of. For some people, asking these questions or making these statements bring up the “I don’t want to look like an idiot” feeling. Let me tell you something: You are paying this person good money to help you reach your goals! You had better have the right to ask blessed questions! You are paying this person because they have a knowledge and a skill you don’t have. It is their job to answer your questions, demonstrate the moves or otherwise coach you through how to perform the exercise with good form so as to not hurt yourself. If you find yourself in this position again, I challenge you – say “I don’t know how to…” You *are* capable, you just lack the knowledge and that is why you are working with a trainer.
When “Can’t” means “I lack confidence”
We’ve all been there. We’ve been doing OK. In a small way, we think we’re pretty good at something. Maybe we’ve been running a project at work or we’ve been doing overhead presses with 10lb weights and someone comes to us an says “I really think you could do X” where “X” is asking us to step up a notch. Maybe it’s go after a promotion. Maybe it’s raising the weights on our overhead press by 2lbs. What is our reply? “I can’t do that”
What you really mean is “I lack the self confidence to believe that I can pull that off.” This is not a judgement call. We all have crisis of confidence. I’m convinced it’s a survival instinct! “I don’t want to go out there! The lion will eat me!” I’m only asking “Why?” Or another way to put this would be “If you know that I am here to catch you, to make sure that you will not fail, why won’t you try?” Pick up the heavier weights, contemplate going after the promotion: you *can* do it, after all, someone else believes in you, otherwise they wouldn’t have brought it up to you.
When “Can’t” means “I’m afraid”
When I was a little girl, I broke my arm in 13 places by falling out of a tree (I don’t do anything by halves). The *long* version of the story has to do with me climbing into the tree with my brother and a friend (did I mention I was a tomboy), looking down from where we were going to jump from, getting scared and trying to climb back down – past the two boys. Our friend pushed me out of the tree and I fell wrong, breaking my arm. I said “I can’t”. The truth of the matter is, had I jumped out of the damn tree, I would have landed properly, collapsed into a ball and somersaulted forward absorbing the impact (like kids do) no injuries incurred.
Fear is healthy. Again, I think it’s a survival instinct. Sticking with what we know is comfortable and safe. But lets be honest, we don’t get where we want to be by being comfortable and safe. If we want to grow, we need to challenge ourselves. We need to step out of our comfort zones. We need to face our fears and push past them. We need to jump out of our personal trees and prove to ourselves we can. You *are* capable, you are just scared of the consequences if you fail. Do it anyway. The worst thing that could happen is you’re right, you can’t. The best thing that could happen is you prove yourself wrong!
Sometimes “Can’t” means “I Can’t”
There are times – few and far between – when we legitimately “lack the aptitude” to do something. This can often be translated to “this is beyond my current skill level”. For instance, I currently struggle with jumping rope. When I was in high school, I broke my knee. I did horrible things to my patella (again, when I do something, I COMMIT!) The knee healed but I never went to Physical Therapy for it. As a result, doing jump rope leads me to physical pain… but only when I jump using both feet off the ground at once. If I alternate feet, then I’m fine. If someone tells me to “Jump rope for 60 seconds with both feet off the ground” I reply with “I can alternate feet without pain otherwise my knee hurts.” In this situation “can’t” is “beyond my current skill level”. I want to jump rope with both feet, and in 6 months or so, maybe I’ll be able to do so. Hell, just 5 months ago I couldn’t do Bosu Burpee’s with a jump, and I can now. Maybe it’s a matter of just working up to it.
Finally, sometimes “can’t” means “If I do this, I could cause myself severe pain or additional injury.” People with Fibromyalgia can’t foam roll, neither can people with Ankylosing Spondylitis. Either group could end up causing themselves severe pain or additional injury. People with tendonitis in their elbow can’t do bicep curls a certain way because it causes them physical pain. A good trainer, who is aware of your limitations, will not tell you to do something you honestly and truly are not capable of doing (assuming you have been honest with any limitations). When this comes up, ask the person – “Is there something else I CAN do – knowing my limitations?”
In both situations, don’t focus on what you “can’t” do, but look for alternative solutions that allow you to challenge yourself in new and interesting ways.
Realize, the language we use forms us. We create our limitations and our capabilities. We program ourselves and we believe that programming. The worst thing you could possibly do is lie to yourself and impose artificial limitations. The next time you want to say “I can’t” ask yourself “What am I trying to say? Do I not want to? Am I afraid? Do I lack confidence? Do I not know how to?” If your “can’t” means one of the other four statements – use those instead. Be honest with yourself. If you don’t want to, you don’t want to. Own it! If you are afraid, face the fears. Own them. If you lack confidence, realize the other person wouldn’t have suggested it if they didn’t believe you were capable. If you don’t know how to do something, ask. Learn and Grow!
Yours in health,
-Tonja (GmrGirl)
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